I made some minor changes, many at the suggestion of the fine folks at www.reddit.com/r/writing/ .
Vunks
I was walking home from the book and liquor stores when I detected the three vunks. Very new ones, and very stupid ones it seemed, as they looked to be positioning themselves to confront me. What the hell was this? Couldn't they tell what I what I was?
I went into the alley that was the obvious shortcut between the strip mall and the housing development, where they seemed to be setting up some kind of ambush. I wasn't in the alley more than a few seconds when the first one dropped in front of me from the adjacent roof. "Surprise old man," he sneered.
I almost burst out laughing, at the idea that I was surprised, but held it in - until I saw how he was dressed. Then a few muffled laughs seeped out. The vunk was wearing a long black overcoat, in August. And his hair was in some kind of bleach-blond 80s mullet. Then it hit me that he didn't just look ridiculous, he was dressed like Kiefer Sutherland in 'The Lost Boys'! I had just seen the movie again a couple months ago, otherwise I doubt I would have been able to recognize the "outfit".
"What the fuck do you think is so funny you old piece of shit!" He acted mad, but he was confused and getting a bit scared. It was a decent act, actually, if he was trying to fool a human.
"Do I really look old?" I asked. "I thought I kept my appearance at a good 35 or so. Or is 35 old to you?" It probably was, this one was just turned, and looked to be about 20.
"Old enough that your blood will be like a fine wine, bloke." This voice, with an awful fake English accent, came from one of the other two, as it strolled into the alley. The fake-English one was wearing a long duster-type leather jacket, and had short cropped bleach blond hair. Another Kiefer that didn't get it quite right? And what was with the shitty accent?
The third was a little more normal looking, wearing blue jeans, a black jacket, and a gray shirt. Oh, and pancake makeup to make his face paler, of course.... Stupid vunks.
I wanted this to move forward. "OK kids, playtime's over," I said, in my most condescending tone. And it's pretty goddamn condescending, I've been told. "Go play vampire someplace else, I'm tired and want to get home." And then it came to me who fake-accent was dressed like: Spike from that TV show, 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer'.
That was it. The laughter flowed out of me. This had to be joke, and a damn funny one too. Who was behind this? Alan maybe? I couldn't detect his or any other Elder presence nearby, but he or she would be smart enough to watch this through hidden cameras or something.
"OK fellas, you did a good job, but I see it's a joke now. Was it Alan who set you up for this? Alan, can you hear me?"
Kiefer launched at me like a rocket, faster than a human would be able to follow, his open fanged mouth hurtling at my throat.
Now I had a bit of a choice to make. Should I erase this vunk from existence for attacking me, as it correct and proper? Or should I merely disable it, since it was likely property of one my jokester friends? Well, it's not like Alan or whoever wouldn't expect me the end it, and it's not like a vunk is very valuable property anyway, so it was an easy choice.
Vunks are fast, but of course, I'm much faster. I stepped aside, and when the vunk passed I stepped behind it, morphed my arm to have a sharp, hard blade, and sliced down twice.
The three lengthwise-slices of flesh and organs that was the Kiefer wanna-be arced into the field behind. The Spike wanna-be had already started his attack leap, but it was just now realizing something very had happened to Kiefer, and would happen to him too likely. He tried to abort the jump, but that wasn't possible, so he just put his arms over his terrified face and hoped for the best.
He was lucky; he got the best he could hope for. Instead of eviscerating him, I morphed my arm back into arm, caught him by the jacket, and dragged him to the third vunk and grabbed him too. I bashed them together, but just enough to bust them up them pretty well and knock them out, and not end them.
'Spike' started to rouse about ten minutes later. "Wake the fuck up vunk," I commanded, "or I'll make cat food out of you." It looked at me with what likely would have terror if its face wasn't too broken to show emotion. "Who is your pack's master? Who put you up to this joke?"
It just looked at me. "Speak, you piece of shit vunk." I grabbed one of its broken arms with my hand, and broke it some more. The vunk was about to scream in pain, but I grabbed its throat with the other hand. Can't have anyone hearing that and calling the cops.
"Your pack's owner, who is it? It was a good joke, and I want to 'congratulate' your master." I really was going to congratulate him or her, and of course plan some kind of retaliation prank. This was funny as hell.
It spoke slowly; no doubt its jaw had been fractured and was healing. "I don't know what you are talking about, I swear, please stop hurting me.."
It was telling the truth. How odd.
Normally once one of the pieces of shit is made, the pack instructs it on how it is the lowliest of the low, and only exists to serve its pack and its pack leader's master. That explains why these things were stupid enough to attack me. They never even were taught how to detect the likes of me, let alone that they are to give us a wide berth. "Where did you come from? Who made you a vunk?"
"What's a vunk? I'm a vampire, a prince of the night!" Its jaw was starting to heal, like the rest of it. It forgot the godawful British accent, thank Christ.
"Sort of," I said. "We don't call you vampires any more. You are lowest, more worthless chum on the night food-chain. You're not a prince; you're what a prince wipes his ass with when he runs out of Charmin. When humans started romanticizing.... you things, we started calling you vunks. It just sounds more appropriate for you worthless disgusting lumps of shit."
It was silent a moment, I suppose the truth was sinking in. How easily I thrashed it no doubt helped.
"Well," he said very slowly, "at least we're still better than humans. And I'll still be able to seduce my sweet Jessica."
This creature was a laugh a minute. It thought being a vunk was somehow romantic. "Say, " I replied, "did you notice that after you woke up in that hotel room, that you three smelled like spoiled shit?"
"Uh, yeah, we kinda thought that was because of our super vampire sense of smell picking up the faint body odor that would be too faint for a human to smell..."
"No, you actually smell like spoiled shit. You're dead, and that's how dead smells. And you know what dead people are really bad at? Blood flow. And you know what requires blood flow? Getting a hard-on. If you think it was difficult getting into your cheerleader fantasy's panties as a pasty living geek, you're not not going to have any better luck know. You know what you never hear women say? You never hear them say 'Oh baby, stick your cold, dead, stinking, limp noodle-dick in me!'. I've been around a very long time, and I can virtually guarantee that phrase has never been spoken before this night."
The dirty little vunk actually started to cry. It was almost too pathetic for me to laugh at, almost.
"Are you a vampire?" it asked, after recovering a bit. I almost killed the creature right there. "No," I said very slowly, "and if you ever even compare me to a vunk again, you will suffer pain to a degree that you never thought was even remotely possible."
"Sorry! Sorry!" Its face was healing enough to start displaying its terror. It very carefully asked, "Uh, sir, please, uh, can you please, if you can be so kind, uh, tell me what, uh, you are?"
"I am an Elder. All you need to know about Elders is that you stay away from us unless you are called to our presence, and that we are in no way related to you vunks by any remote manner, except for the fact that neither of us is human. Now vunk, tell me how you came to be."
It turned out that in life the three were high school classmates, and they were obsessed with vunks, or at least the fictional romanticized version of them that are so popular in human culture now. They started a "vampire club", and one other boy later joined. The boy was so into it he insisted they only meet at night. Of course, this boy must have been a pack master, a vunk that can make other vunks.
They had a meeting, then the next thing the three remembered was them waking up as vunks in a hotel room. The other boy, Dennis, was nowhere to be found. I made a note to myself to ask around if anybody had a pack master that was missing. Hell, it could have just as likely been one of mine, it's not like I bother to learn the disgusting things' names or appearances.
"What hotel? Which room?"
"Uh, the one on 23rd and Sanders, and the room was room 66. I remember because it was like '666' but the hotel wasn't big enough to have enough..."
"Shut up. I'm going to check out the room. You two are going to stay here. You know if you leave I can find you, right?"
They both nodded, which was when I first noticed the other was conscious.
"If you are not here when I return, which will be much faster than you will imagine, you better commit suicide before I find you." They believed me. I left at top speed to the hotel room.
I could tell right away the room was where the rogue pack leader made the three vunks. The creature's funk was heavy. The question remained, why? And why not stick around to give them at least some basic knowledge of what they are? I speculated that the leader had attended the "vampire club" on a whim and saw how ridiculously these three worshiped vunks. It probably made them vunks just to fuck with them. But still, wouldn't it have stuck around to show them how misguided they were, and that "vampires" were just worthless putrid slaves? Isn't that where the laughs were to be had?
I left the room and walked at human speed back to the two remaining vunks. On the way, I phoned my lieutenants to see if any of my pack leaders were unaccounted for. None were. I then called the other Elders in the area to see if they had any missing leaders. It turned out Garret did, one of his lutes caught a pack leader, one that had the appearance of a 19-year-old human, coming back from an unauthorized absence. It was of course simply slain without question, painfully and messily, in front of the other pack leaders.
Likely, the thing was going to start its own pack, with it as ultimate leader, but it went back to Garret's stables for something, where it was caught. That type of thing wasn't unheard of, a rogue pack might last a few decades without detection if they went far enough away from an Elder's territory. OK, things were now clear, or at least clear enough to satisfy my curiosity. Now, I had to decide what to do with these two idiot vunks.
Of course I could easily kill them, which would be the quickest and easiest thing. But maybe my stable could use a couple more vunks, and these were already made. That would save a little cleanup, after all. That reminded me that the Kiefer's guts needed to be cleaned up still, before a homicide investigation was started. Those could be annoying.
I made a quick stop at a supermarket then was back with the two idiot vunks. I handed them each a box of extra-strength garbage bags. "Now that you are mostly healed, you will now pick up all the chunks of your friend that are splashed around that field. You will do it quickly, using your vunk speed and sight. Every little piece will be found."
"But don't a vampire's remains turn to dust or something?"
"Where the fuck did you hear that? Never mind, don't care. Just DO IT NOW." They went off and did what they were told. I called one of my lutes and told him to send a pack leader to pick these two up. They were probably too stupid to work in the accounting company, maybe they could work in the tech support outsourcing firm, or maybe in the telemarketing division. That was the only one that worked during the day, in a windowless building of course. They had their filthy lair in the basement, if I recalled correctly.
"Sir, we are done." 'Spike' and blue-jeans did a decent enough job, and 'Keifer' was in three Hefty bags. "Good enough," I said. "Somebody will be picking you shits up later, and you'll be trained how to be a vunk." They looked excited at the prospect. That won't last long.
Blue-jeans spoke to me for the first time. "Sir? May I ask one question?" He seemed obsequious enough, so I nodded. "Will your employee get here before sunrise? I do not wish to start sparkling and expose us as vamp... uh, as vunks to the human world."
I just looked at the creature.
"Sir, we need remain secret, don't we?"
After a human-length moment I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Did you say, 'sparkle'?"
Blue jeans looked worried. "Yes sir. We will sparkle if we're out in the sunlight, won't we?"
"Sparkle. In the sunlight." My eyes were still closed. Oh dear God, he thinks they will SPARKLE in the sunlight.
The lieutenant arrived, driving a Cadillac from the fleet. He turned off the engine, exited the car, and bowed deeply before me. "Sire, I have arrived to pick up the two vunks." He looked around, but there were no vunks, just nine Hefty bags.
"Change of plans. Dispose of those bags into one of the crematories."
"Yes sire."
I went home.
END
Copyright Revtim 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Vunks
Here's my first fiction post, it's pretty short. I hope you can take the time to read it and leave comments. Suggestions for improvements are welcome (and politeness appreciated). --Revtim
Vunks
I was walking home from my trip to the book and liquor stores when I detected the three vunks. Very new ones, and very stupid ones it seemed, as they seemed to be positioning themselves to confront me. What the hell was this? Couldn't they tell what I what I was?
I went into the alley that was the obvious shortcut between the strip mall and the housing development, where they were laying in wait. I wasn't in the alley more than a few seconds when the first one dropped in front of me from his hiding place on the adjacent roof. "Surprise old man!!!" he sneered at me.
I almost burst out laughing, at the idea that I was surprised, but held it in - until I saw how he was dressed. Then a few muffled laffs escaped. The vunk was wearing a long black overcoat, in August. And his hair was in some kinda bleach-blond 80s mullet. Then it hit me that he didn't just look ridiculous, he was dressed like Kiefer Sutherland in 'The Lost Boys'! I had just seen the movie again a couple months ago, otherwise I doubt I would have been able to recognize the "outfit".
"What the fuck do you think is so funny you old piece of shit!" He acted mad, but he was confused and getting a bit scared. It was a decent act, actually, if he was trying to fool a human.
"Do I really look old?" I asked. "I thought I kept my appearance at a good 35 or so. Or is 35 old to you?" It probably was, this one was just turned, and looked to be about 20.
"Old enough that your blood will be like a fine wine, bloke." This voice, with an awful ersatz English accent, came from one of the other two, as it strolled into the alley. The fake-English one was wearing a long duster-type leather jacket, and had short cropped bleach blond hair. Another Kiefer that didn't get it quite right? And what was with the shitty accent?
The third was a little more normal looking, wearing blue jeans, a black jacket, and a gray shirt. Oh, and pancake makeup to make his face paler, of course.... Stupid vunks.
I wanted this to move forward. "OK kids, playtime's over," I said, in the my condescending tone. And it's pretty goddamn condescending, I've been told. "Go play vampire someplace else, I'm tired and want to get home." And then it came to me who fake-accent was dressed like: Spike from that TV show, 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer'.
That was it. The laughter flowed out of me, and tears streamed down my face. This had to be joke, and a damn funny one too. Who was behind this? Alan maybe? I couldn't detect his or any other Elder presence nearby, but he'd be smart enough to watch this through hidden cameras or something.
"OK fellas, you did a good job, but I see it's a joke now. Was it Alan who set you up for this? Alan, can you hear me?"
Kiefer launched at me like a rocket, faster than a human would be able to follow, his open fanged mouth hurtling at my throat.
Now I had a bit of a choice to make. Should I erase this vunk from existence for attacking me, as it correct and proper? Or should I merely disable it, since it was likely property of one my jokester friends? Well, it's not like Alan or whoever wouldn't expect me the end it, and it's not like a vunk is very valuable property anyway, so it was an easy choice.
Vunks are fast, but of course, I'm much faster. I stepped aside, and when the vunk passed I stepped behind it, morphed my arm to have a sharp, hard blade, and sliced down twice.
The three lengthwise-slices of flesh and organs that was the Kiefer wanna-be arced into the field behind. The Spike wanna-be had already started his attack leap, but it was just now realizing something very had happened to Kiefer, and would happen to him too likely. He tried to abort the jump, but that wasn't possible, so he just put his arms over his terrified face and hoped for the best.
He was lucky, he got the best he could hope for. Instead of eviscerating him, I morphed my arm back into arm, caught him by the jacket, and dragged him to the third vunk and grabbed him too. I bashed them together, but just enough to bust them up them pretty well and knock them out, and not end them.
'Spike' started to rouse about ten minutes later. "Wake the fuck up vunk," I commanded, "or I'll make cat food out of you." It looked at me with what likely would have terror if it's face wasn't too broken to show emotion. "Who is your pack's master? Who put you up to this joke?"
It just looked at me. "Speak, you piece of shit vunk." I grabbed one of its broken arms with my hand, and broke it some more. The vunk was about to scream in pain, but I grabbed its throat with the other hand. Can't have anyone hearing that and calling the cops.
"Your pack's owner, who is it? It was a good joke, and I want to 'congratulate' your master." I really was going to congratulate him or her, and of course plan some kind of retaliation prank. This was funny as hell.
It spoke slowly, no doubt its jaw had been fractured and was healing. "I don't know what you are talking about, I swear, please stop hurting me.."
It was telling the truth. How odd.
Normally once one of the pieces of shit is made, the pack instructs it on how it is the lowliest of the low, and only exists to serve its pack and its pack leader's master. That explains why these things were stupid enough to attack me. They never even were taught how to detect the likes of me, let alone that they are to give us a wide berth. "Where did you come from? Who made you a vunk?"
"What's a vunk? I'm a vampire, a prince of the night!" It's jaw was starting to heal, like the rest of it. It forgot the godawful British accent, thank Christ.
"Sort of," I said. "We don't call you vampires any more. You are lowest, more worthless chum on the night food-chain. You're not a prince, you're what a prince wipes his ass with when he runs out of Charmin. When humans started romanticizing.... you things, we started calling you vunks. It just sounds more appropriate for you worthless shits."
It was silent a moment, I suppose the truth was sinking in. How easily I thrashed it no doubt helped.
"Well," he said very slowly, "at least we're still better than humans. And I'll still be able to seduce my sweet Jessica."
This creature was a laugh a minute. It thought being a vunk was somehow romantic. "Say, " I replied, "did you notice that after you woke up in that hotel room, that you three smelled like spoiled shit?"
"Uh, yeah, we kinda thought that was because of our super vampire sense of smell picking up the faint body odor that would be too faint for a human to smell..."
"No, you actually smell like spoiled shit. You're dead, and that's how dead smells. And you know what dead people are really bad at? Blood flow. And you know what requires blood flow? Getting a hard-on. If you think it was difficult getting into your cheerleader fantasy's panties as a pasty living geek, you're not not gonna have any better luck know. You know what you never hear women say? You never hear them say 'Oh baby, stick your cold, dead, stinking, limp noodle-dick in me!'. I've been around a very long time, and I can virtually guarantee that phrase has never been spoken before this night."
The dirty little vunk actually started to cry. It was almost too pathetic for me to laugh at, almost.
"Are you a vampire?" it asked, after recovering a bit. I almost killed the creature right there. "No," I said very slowly, "and if you ever even compare me to a vunk again, you will suffer pain to a degree that you never thought was even remotely possible."
"Sorry! Sorry!" It's face was healing enough to start displaying its terror. It very carefully asked, "Uh, sir, please, uh, can you please, if you can be so kind, uh, tell me what, uh, you are?"
"I am an Elder. All you need to know about Elders is that you stay away from us unless you are called to our presence, and that we are in no way related to you vunks by any remote manner, except for the fact that neither of us are human. Now vunk, tell me how you came to be."
It turned out that in life the three were high school classmates, and they were obsessed with vunks, or at least the fictional romanticised version of them that are so popular in human culture now. They started a "vampire club", and one other boy later joined. The boy was so into it he insisted they only meet at night. Of course, this boy must have been a pack master, a vunk that can make other vunks.
They had a meeting, then the next thing the three remembered was them waking up as vunks in a hotel room. The other boy, Dennis, was nowhere to be found. I made a note to myself to ask around if anybody had a pack master that was missing. Hell, it could have just as likely been one of mine, it's not like I bother to learn the disgusting things' names or appearances .
"What hotel? Which room?"
"Uh, the Eldrich on 23rd, and the room was room 66. I remember because it was like '666' but the hotel wasn't big enough to have enough..."
"Shut up. I'm going to check out the room. You two are going to stay here. You know if you leave I can find you, right?"
They both nodded, which was when I first noticed the other was conscious.
"If you are not here when I return, which will be much faster than you will imagine, you better commit suicide before I find you." They believed me. I left at top speed to the hotel room.
I could tell right away the room was where the rogue pack leader made the three vunks. The creature's funk was heavy. The question remained, why? And why not stick around to give them at least some basic knowledge of what they are? I speculated that the leader had attended the "vampire club" on a whim and saw how ridiculously these three worshiped vunks. It probably made them vunks just to fuck with them. But still, wouldn't it have stuck around to show them how misguided they were, and that "vampires" were just worthless putrid slaves? Isn't that where the laughs were to be had?
I left the room and walked at human speed back to the two remaining vunks. On the way, I phoned my lieutenants to see if any of my pack leaders were unaccounted for. None were. I then called the other Elders in the area to see if they had any missing leaders. It turned out Garret did, one of his lutes caught a pack leader, one that had the appearance of a 19-year-old human, coming back from an unauthorized absence. It was of course simply slain without question, painfully and messily, in front of the other pack leaders.
Likely, the thing was going to start its own pack, with it as ultimate leader, but it went back to Garret's stables for something, where it was caught. That type of thing wasn't unheard of, a rogue pack might last a few decades without detection if they went far enough away from an Elder's territory. OK, things were now clear, or at least clear enough to satisfy my curiosity. Now, what to do with these two idiot vunks.
Of course I could easily kill them, that would be the quickest and easiest thing. But maybe my stable could use a couple more vunks, and these were already made. That would save a little cleanup, after all. Which reminded me that the Kiefer's guts needed to be cleaned up still, before a homicide investigation was started. Those could be annoying.
I made a quick stop at a supermarket then was back with the two idiot vunks. I handed them each a box of extra-strength garbage bags. "Now that you are mostly healed, you will now pick up all the chunks of your friend that are splashed around that field. You will do it quickly, using your vunk speed and sight. Every little piece will be found."
"But don't a vampire's remains turn to dust or something?"
"Where the fuck did you hear that? Never mind, don't care. Just DO IT NOW." They went off and did what they were told. I called one of my lutes and told him to send a pack leader to pick these two up. They were probably too stupid to work in the accounting company, maybe they could work in the tech support outsourcing firm. Or maybe in the telemarketing division. That was the only one that worked during the day, in a windowless building of course. They had their filthy lair in the basement, if I recalled correctly.
"Sir, we are done." 'Spike' and blue-jeans did a decent enough job, and 'Keifer' was in three Hefty bags. "Good enough," I said. "Somebody will be picking you shits up later, and you'll be trained how to be a vunk." They looked excited at the prospect. That won't last long.
Blue-jeans spoke to me for the first time. "Sir? May I humbly ask one question?" He seemed obsequious enough, so I nodded. "Will your employee get here before sunrise? I do not wish to start sparkling and expose us as vamp... uh, as vunks to the human world."
I just looked at the creature.
"Sir, we need remain secret, don't we?"
After a human-length moment I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Did you say, 'sparkle'?"
Blue jeans looked worried. "Yes sir. We will sparkle if we're out in the sunlight, won't we?"
"Sparkle. In the sunlight." My eyes were still closed. Oh dear God, he thinks they will SPARKLE in the sunlight.
The lieutenant arrived, driving a Cadillac from the fleet. He turned off the engine, exited the car, and bowed deeply before me. "Sire, I have arrived to pick up the two vunks." He looked around, but there were no vunks, just nine Hefty bags.
"Change of plans. Dispose of those bags into one of the crematories."
"Yes sire."
I went home.
END
Copyright Revtim 2010
Vunks
I was walking home from my trip to the book and liquor stores when I detected the three vunks. Very new ones, and very stupid ones it seemed, as they seemed to be positioning themselves to confront me. What the hell was this? Couldn't they tell what I what I was?
I went into the alley that was the obvious shortcut between the strip mall and the housing development, where they were laying in wait. I wasn't in the alley more than a few seconds when the first one dropped in front of me from his hiding place on the adjacent roof. "Surprise old man!!!" he sneered at me.
I almost burst out laughing, at the idea that I was surprised, but held it in - until I saw how he was dressed. Then a few muffled laffs escaped. The vunk was wearing a long black overcoat, in August. And his hair was in some kinda bleach-blond 80s mullet. Then it hit me that he didn't just look ridiculous, he was dressed like Kiefer Sutherland in 'The Lost Boys'! I had just seen the movie again a couple months ago, otherwise I doubt I would have been able to recognize the "outfit".
"What the fuck do you think is so funny you old piece of shit!" He acted mad, but he was confused and getting a bit scared. It was a decent act, actually, if he was trying to fool a human.
"Do I really look old?" I asked. "I thought I kept my appearance at a good 35 or so. Or is 35 old to you?" It probably was, this one was just turned, and looked to be about 20.
"Old enough that your blood will be like a fine wine, bloke." This voice, with an awful ersatz English accent, came from one of the other two, as it strolled into the alley. The fake-English one was wearing a long duster-type leather jacket, and had short cropped bleach blond hair. Another Kiefer that didn't get it quite right? And what was with the shitty accent?
The third was a little more normal looking, wearing blue jeans, a black jacket, and a gray shirt. Oh, and pancake makeup to make his face paler, of course.... Stupid vunks.
I wanted this to move forward. "OK kids, playtime's over," I said, in the my condescending tone. And it's pretty goddamn condescending, I've been told. "Go play vampire someplace else, I'm tired and want to get home." And then it came to me who fake-accent was dressed like: Spike from that TV show, 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer'.
That was it. The laughter flowed out of me, and tears streamed down my face. This had to be joke, and a damn funny one too. Who was behind this? Alan maybe? I couldn't detect his or any other Elder presence nearby, but he'd be smart enough to watch this through hidden cameras or something.
"OK fellas, you did a good job, but I see it's a joke now. Was it Alan who set you up for this? Alan, can you hear me?"
Kiefer launched at me like a rocket, faster than a human would be able to follow, his open fanged mouth hurtling at my throat.
Now I had a bit of a choice to make. Should I erase this vunk from existence for attacking me, as it correct and proper? Or should I merely disable it, since it was likely property of one my jokester friends? Well, it's not like Alan or whoever wouldn't expect me the end it, and it's not like a vunk is very valuable property anyway, so it was an easy choice.
Vunks are fast, but of course, I'm much faster. I stepped aside, and when the vunk passed I stepped behind it, morphed my arm to have a sharp, hard blade, and sliced down twice.
The three lengthwise-slices of flesh and organs that was the Kiefer wanna-be arced into the field behind. The Spike wanna-be had already started his attack leap, but it was just now realizing something very had happened to Kiefer, and would happen to him too likely. He tried to abort the jump, but that wasn't possible, so he just put his arms over his terrified face and hoped for the best.
He was lucky, he got the best he could hope for. Instead of eviscerating him, I morphed my arm back into arm, caught him by the jacket, and dragged him to the third vunk and grabbed him too. I bashed them together, but just enough to bust them up them pretty well and knock them out, and not end them.
'Spike' started to rouse about ten minutes later. "Wake the fuck up vunk," I commanded, "or I'll make cat food out of you." It looked at me with what likely would have terror if it's face wasn't too broken to show emotion. "Who is your pack's master? Who put you up to this joke?"
It just looked at me. "Speak, you piece of shit vunk." I grabbed one of its broken arms with my hand, and broke it some more. The vunk was about to scream in pain, but I grabbed its throat with the other hand. Can't have anyone hearing that and calling the cops.
"Your pack's owner, who is it? It was a good joke, and I want to 'congratulate' your master." I really was going to congratulate him or her, and of course plan some kind of retaliation prank. This was funny as hell.
It spoke slowly, no doubt its jaw had been fractured and was healing. "I don't know what you are talking about, I swear, please stop hurting me.."
It was telling the truth. How odd.
Normally once one of the pieces of shit is made, the pack instructs it on how it is the lowliest of the low, and only exists to serve its pack and its pack leader's master. That explains why these things were stupid enough to attack me. They never even were taught how to detect the likes of me, let alone that they are to give us a wide berth. "Where did you come from? Who made you a vunk?"
"What's a vunk? I'm a vampire, a prince of the night!" It's jaw was starting to heal, like the rest of it. It forgot the godawful British accent, thank Christ.
"Sort of," I said. "We don't call you vampires any more. You are lowest, more worthless chum on the night food-chain. You're not a prince, you're what a prince wipes his ass with when he runs out of Charmin. When humans started romanticizing.... you things, we started calling you vunks. It just sounds more appropriate for you worthless shits."
It was silent a moment, I suppose the truth was sinking in. How easily I thrashed it no doubt helped.
"Well," he said very slowly, "at least we're still better than humans. And I'll still be able to seduce my sweet Jessica."
This creature was a laugh a minute. It thought being a vunk was somehow romantic. "Say, " I replied, "did you notice that after you woke up in that hotel room, that you three smelled like spoiled shit?"
"Uh, yeah, we kinda thought that was because of our super vampire sense of smell picking up the faint body odor that would be too faint for a human to smell..."
"No, you actually smell like spoiled shit. You're dead, and that's how dead smells. And you know what dead people are really bad at? Blood flow. And you know what requires blood flow? Getting a hard-on. If you think it was difficult getting into your cheerleader fantasy's panties as a pasty living geek, you're not not gonna have any better luck know. You know what you never hear women say? You never hear them say 'Oh baby, stick your cold, dead, stinking, limp noodle-dick in me!'. I've been around a very long time, and I can virtually guarantee that phrase has never been spoken before this night."
The dirty little vunk actually started to cry. It was almost too pathetic for me to laugh at, almost.
"Are you a vampire?" it asked, after recovering a bit. I almost killed the creature right there. "No," I said very slowly, "and if you ever even compare me to a vunk again, you will suffer pain to a degree that you never thought was even remotely possible."
"Sorry! Sorry!" It's face was healing enough to start displaying its terror. It very carefully asked, "Uh, sir, please, uh, can you please, if you can be so kind, uh, tell me what, uh, you are?"
"I am an Elder. All you need to know about Elders is that you stay away from us unless you are called to our presence, and that we are in no way related to you vunks by any remote manner, except for the fact that neither of us are human. Now vunk, tell me how you came to be."
It turned out that in life the three were high school classmates, and they were obsessed with vunks, or at least the fictional romanticised version of them that are so popular in human culture now. They started a "vampire club", and one other boy later joined. The boy was so into it he insisted they only meet at night. Of course, this boy must have been a pack master, a vunk that can make other vunks.
They had a meeting, then the next thing the three remembered was them waking up as vunks in a hotel room. The other boy, Dennis, was nowhere to be found. I made a note to myself to ask around if anybody had a pack master that was missing. Hell, it could have just as likely been one of mine, it's not like I bother to learn the disgusting things' names or appearances .
"What hotel? Which room?"
"Uh, the Eldrich on 23rd, and the room was room 66. I remember because it was like '666' but the hotel wasn't big enough to have enough..."
"Shut up. I'm going to check out the room. You two are going to stay here. You know if you leave I can find you, right?"
They both nodded, which was when I first noticed the other was conscious.
"If you are not here when I return, which will be much faster than you will imagine, you better commit suicide before I find you." They believed me. I left at top speed to the hotel room.
I could tell right away the room was where the rogue pack leader made the three vunks. The creature's funk was heavy. The question remained, why? And why not stick around to give them at least some basic knowledge of what they are? I speculated that the leader had attended the "vampire club" on a whim and saw how ridiculously these three worshiped vunks. It probably made them vunks just to fuck with them. But still, wouldn't it have stuck around to show them how misguided they were, and that "vampires" were just worthless putrid slaves? Isn't that where the laughs were to be had?
I left the room and walked at human speed back to the two remaining vunks. On the way, I phoned my lieutenants to see if any of my pack leaders were unaccounted for. None were. I then called the other Elders in the area to see if they had any missing leaders. It turned out Garret did, one of his lutes caught a pack leader, one that had the appearance of a 19-year-old human, coming back from an unauthorized absence. It was of course simply slain without question, painfully and messily, in front of the other pack leaders.
Likely, the thing was going to start its own pack, with it as ultimate leader, but it went back to Garret's stables for something, where it was caught. That type of thing wasn't unheard of, a rogue pack might last a few decades without detection if they went far enough away from an Elder's territory. OK, things were now clear, or at least clear enough to satisfy my curiosity. Now, what to do with these two idiot vunks.
Of course I could easily kill them, that would be the quickest and easiest thing. But maybe my stable could use a couple more vunks, and these were already made. That would save a little cleanup, after all. Which reminded me that the Kiefer's guts needed to be cleaned up still, before a homicide investigation was started. Those could be annoying.
I made a quick stop at a supermarket then was back with the two idiot vunks. I handed them each a box of extra-strength garbage bags. "Now that you are mostly healed, you will now pick up all the chunks of your friend that are splashed around that field. You will do it quickly, using your vunk speed and sight. Every little piece will be found."
"But don't a vampire's remains turn to dust or something?"
"Where the fuck did you hear that? Never mind, don't care. Just DO IT NOW." They went off and did what they were told. I called one of my lutes and told him to send a pack leader to pick these two up. They were probably too stupid to work in the accounting company, maybe they could work in the tech support outsourcing firm. Or maybe in the telemarketing division. That was the only one that worked during the day, in a windowless building of course. They had their filthy lair in the basement, if I recalled correctly.
"Sir, we are done." 'Spike' and blue-jeans did a decent enough job, and 'Keifer' was in three Hefty bags. "Good enough," I said. "Somebody will be picking you shits up later, and you'll be trained how to be a vunk." They looked excited at the prospect. That won't last long.
Blue-jeans spoke to me for the first time. "Sir? May I humbly ask one question?" He seemed obsequious enough, so I nodded. "Will your employee get here before sunrise? I do not wish to start sparkling and expose us as vamp... uh, as vunks to the human world."
I just looked at the creature.
"Sir, we need remain secret, don't we?"
After a human-length moment I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Did you say, 'sparkle'?"
Blue jeans looked worried. "Yes sir. We will sparkle if we're out in the sunlight, won't we?"
"Sparkle. In the sunlight." My eyes were still closed. Oh dear God, he thinks they will SPARKLE in the sunlight.
The lieutenant arrived, driving a Cadillac from the fleet. He turned off the engine, exited the car, and bowed deeply before me. "Sire, I have arrived to pick up the two vunks." He looked around, but there were no vunks, just nine Hefty bags.
"Change of plans. Dispose of those bags into one of the crematories."
"Yes sire."
I went home.
END
Copyright Revtim 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
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